How To Breathe

Hello, students.  Last time we chatted, we all learned how to watch. And I'm sure you've been impressing family members and schoolmates with your prowess in that discipline ever since. You are all performing so admirably that I have decided to shift the curriculi to an accelerated track.

This week, How To Breathe.

1. Recognize a need for oxygen.

2. Make sure your nasal passage is clear, as this is the preferred route for breathing.

(If your nose is stuffed up, read the following, otherwise you may skip to item #3)

2a. Locate a paper tissue.

2b. Hold it underneath your nose, folded once over to prevent blow-through.

2c. Push air out your nose, which ideally, will dislodge the offending mucous.

2d. Do a postliminary wipe around the opening to catch stray particles.

2e. If this did not open the nasal passage, open your mouth and unstop the epiglottis. This will be your passageway for this exercise.

3. Push down on the diaphragm muscle. (the strong wall of muscle that separates the chest cavity from the abdominal cavity) By moving downwards, it creates suction to draw in air and expand the lungs.

4. At this point, air should be flowing into you. If not, please see items 2a-2e, which will explain how to properly open the passageway.

5. Wait for a time. This time will be shorter if your need for oxygen (see item #1) was urgent, longer if your need is less urgent (or you need to relax).

6. After you have used your current cache of air, expel it.  Lungs are elastic organs with sponge-like tissue. Inhalation requires an active effort, whereas exhalation occurs automatically. Lucky you!

7. You have now breathed, brothen, and otherwise brathe.

Thank you for your time.